As a parent, I think it is a well-known principle that you have to be prepared to deal with resistance from younger kids when it comes to things they don’t want to do. Friends and family who are already parents will helpfully give you their retrospective accounts of when their little darling put them through the most alarming and supposedly irrational episode when they simply did not want to respond positively to a straightforward request.  YouTube entertainingly and reassuringly has many examples of feisty toddlers who experience monumental meltdowns when the thought of something their parents were asking them to do was, in their little minds, simply intolerable. So, this was an aspect of parenthood that I was expecting and not too fazed by.

But what I was not so prepared for was downright refusal when it came to something that Lincoln usually DID want to do and had done many times before without any issue. Much like demand avoidance but an occasional and spontaneous version.

For the past week, the activity in question has been that of getting into the bath. Lincoln is a water-baby and wakes up most days asking if we are going swimming today. This may be because he has swimming lessons every Friday but doesn’t yet consistently understand the days of the week or could just be Lincoln trying his luck. He will normally spend ages in the bath and love it. So why would it be that now when we mention something that he loves, he has reverted to lying on the floor curled up in a ball, genuinely upset and refusing to take a bath?

I have been learning that it is not about the activity in question but the transition between what Lincoln was currently doing to what I was asking him to do next. We try as much as possible to engage Lincoln in activities that are fun for him and that we enjoy as a family. For a cheap thrill we have balloons, which we blow up and play volleyball with. All of us, including our ‘FOMO’ dog who has to be involved in everything and is actually quite good until he inevitably ends the game by innocently popping the balloon. It is great fun and a good way to get some energy out of the little guy before starting the evening routine to wind down for bedtime. But the downside is that it is hard then to persuade Lincoln that we are now moving on and this particular type of fun is finished for the day.

It is difficult even as adults sometimes to deal with big change and we now recognise the times when big change comes for Lincoln, how it might affect him and how we can support him. But we have had to also recognise and put together a playbook for how to deal with the little changes that his neuro-diverse mind takes longer than usual to process and the emotions that brings with it. This may be a help for other parents so here are some of our key strategies to dealing with difficult transitions;

A timer, whether this be a visual traffic light system or just counting down. NB, if doing the counting down, expect a small negotiation at each time check as we say “5 minutes” and get a response of “10 minutes!”

A great tip from his speech and language lessons; social stories. Describing or visually presenting “Now; Next; Then” scenarios to map out the day and win buy-in.

Competition! “I am going to be the winner!” or “I bet you can’t get upstairs first!” Our most successful strategy with Lincoln.

Theatre. Tonight, was a magic trick from the bath ie two toys disappearing into the bath and then Lincoln having to find them.

Props. “What about your bath toys/crayons/bubbles?!” etc. Also good for empowerment; “Do you want to do your bath bubbles tonight?”

Energetic convincing that the next activity is going to be so much more fun, however tired you are at the time and however much you don’t mean it. Acting skills required but easily developed here 😊

Encouragement. “Ah you have done so well with being helpful/doing good listening (etc) I am sure you are going to make a good choice [doing whatever it is you want them to do]…”

Downright bribery.  An appropriate choice if you have had an exhausting day already and have tried some of the above and just know the promise of a little treat might sweeten the deal.

The good thing about having a variety of choices in the playbook is that, as we know, no day is ever the same and we all feel a little different on different days. It is also an encouragement to be kind to ourselves as adults when we wonder why things we felt ok with yesterday are harder today or events in life need to transition or be put down or change for a season. It’s ok to take some time to re-adjust so don’t be hard on yourself and just think; the next thing may be even more exciting.